Husband

Have I told you how much I LOVE my husband. He can get frustrated, be messy, unorganized, and really busy at times. He can be funny at times, he has a great laughing cackle, a beautiful smile, we can be goofs together, hard worker, great provider, he does his best to take care of us even when both feel ill, he has a big heart and is a strong person all together. He is a wonderful man.
I always call Darren by his name and not "husband," it's just one of those things even when I talk to people I just assume they know he is my counter part. Darren likes to call me his wife, he likes to say it aloud even if it's just the two of us. And recently it feels good. I am beginning to make this a part of my identity. But mostly I am so very proud, happy, blessed that this is who I am and that I have Darren. Life as husband and wife is not at all bad- its busy, grand, exciting, full of greatness, blessings and love. The bigger picture of what I can see in this relationship/marriage is so beautiful. This is what God intended and I am so happy for us, our story and what's to come.

21

If my 21 year old self could see me now. I was thinking about this on my way home the other night and it made me laugh and smile. It made me laugh because I had this plan on how I was going to live after heartbreak, dating again and my ideas on it, my life plan and knowing I was about to take one of the greatest adventures on by going to school 12 hours away from home. I had embraced this headstrong personality that made me feel like I had the best life plan for myself. I was aboard my own train to greatness based on my outlook on life and what I planned to become.
If my 21 year old self could see me now, she would be slightly disgusted but relieved that I regained the ability to love another so deeply and unconditionally and allow him to love me back. She would grimace at the idea of planning a wedding, but so glad that we did not take it overboard. She would laugh at us looking at the price of items before purchasing, using coupons even if it got to the lowest price. She would worry for me even more than my present self does about starting a family. But also about the same things like being healthy, watchful, making time for myself and my family, not missing out on the greatness of life and living, losing sleep and all the what ifs that might occur that comes with the challenge.
My 21 year old self would be beyond proud that I have taken control of my health by being careful of what I put into my body while still enjoying my favorite treats. That even when I thought I hated running, as a grown woman I have found the outlet for my stress and anxiety. I would thank myself for being much more conscious of taking care of myself and giving it all I can to have a healthier body and finding my outer strength.
My 21 year old self would be glad that I resist the possibility to settle, that even though my dream career has not occurred I would see that it's okay to not know what I want to be when a grow up and even more that I am still holding myself to a higher standard and refuse to stop learning, growing and being challenged.
She would be so pleased that I did not lose my faith, that I am finding my way back to God and finding time to talk to him about it all.
She may not understand it all but she would be glad that I managed to forget how old I am, keep my morals, beliefs, values and maintain great realationships- she would be ecstatic that even though this is not my 21 year old plan or my 24 year old plan, this life is beyond wonderful, blessed, and in just about every way so much more better.

Time

A couple days ago I decided it was time. Time to let go of my wild side that I lived in regards to being just a youthful woman with no worries and no true adult responsibilities. I removed my belly button ring, stepping out of the shower and coming to terms with my body changing since I have been slowly putting on some weight, I decided it was just time to let it go. I can remember the moments that led up to the decision that I was going to plunge and give in to doing this. I was life guarding, a fellow coworker and I had been talking about it and finally we decided that after all the talk we would go and have it done after work that night. I had been in a tattoo shop before but never say on one of the tables, remember my friend went first and they tried to get her to scare me. She did not. In less than a half hour we were newly pierced and flashing it in our lifeguard suits the next day. Don't worry we watched them like hawks to make sure it was all in sterile pouches. Even my wild side is always careful.
In that time I felt empowered, making a grown up decision and following through with something that I wanted. As time has passed by I have kinda forgotten about it, I cleaned it from time to time, a summer later I worked the pools again and since then on rare occasions. Time has allowed me to grow and evolve. What a great ride.

Saturday January 28, 2012

I keep thinking how blessed I am, we are. Waiting around today for my parents and younger siblings to arrive. I am looking around our home, the saw dust, pantry items in the living room, papers semi organized on our kitchen table, tools everywhere. But still a blessing. All the things I never thought I wanted I have and I am so grateful. I am grateful for a wonderful growing marriage, a beautiful home that Darren has torn inside out to make ours, the mess- because it means we are living our lives and doing something for ourselves and our future. It's been a long time since I have noticed any change in myself and my outlook on life but this difference that I feel on the inside and hope I project in my words and actions feels amazing. I cannot wait to see and experience what lies in front of us and how a year from now, how much more changed and great life will continue to become. I hope my patience continues to grow, my gratitude expressed, and ready for the adventure in front of us. I am ready to take on the challenges and make some of the best memories and learning experiences.
No need to wait for a special occasion, I don't want to miss out on today. Life is too short, use your good dishes every night.

184 days

Or six months, either way you look at it we have made it half way through our first year of marriage. Life has changed slightly, our emotions and thoughts have evolved to think of the other in all aspects of life. We talk about all sorts of things, are learning how to laugh at ourselves loudly, finding out other ways to meet each others needs and I am working on giving in his love language.
This is the most fun. We have vacationed, celebrated, I have cried and come back with renewed strength and a greater outlook on ways to work on making this relationship better. Even in the midst of some misunderstandings, some struggle, and fear.
I always believed that I would be in a monogomous relationship, that I would share my life with one man, my dreams, hopes and adventures but never did I see this. This love, it's been more than just giving in to marriage. It has been giving of myself and each other to be there and walk through the journey that God has for us.
I am most excited to see how many more changes are to come in the next 6 months. To see our lives evolve and for the unexpected that will ground us further in our lives.

Thinking

I have been thinking about a lot of things, shocker, I know. I think I have an addiction, to pinterest. Thanks Amy! I have been finding new recipes, and so much more. Like collecting thoughts on a babies room, a baby that does not exist, finding quotes that would help as a child or as a parent, cool gadgets that might make things easier, and some seriously stylish duds for a little one. It's exciting and scary looking through baby items. 
Another scary thing, winter has not truly arrived. No big snow and the temperature has been mostly reasonable. I am not a cold weather person, I rather live in the season of summer all year long. I am not ready for what might come. But I am ready for spring break with Darren.
I am still working on updating my wardrobe. After successfully removing clothing from my closet that I have not worn or does not fit appropriately. Although my clothes bin/workout and t-shirts and dresser still need to be evaluated for further removal of items I can live without so that I can continue to purchase everyday, chic, fitted pieces that display me and my wiser self. I am realizing that I love my barely boot cut jeans from Express, they fit great, durable and versatile. I am still working on becoming more of a fan of my trouser jeans- work in progress as I am figuring out how I like them with with my shoe collection. My shoes have to be cleaned out too, I did throw away a pair of my favorite flats from Banana Republic, it was sad but necessary. I need shoes with arch support, but still stylish.
More to come on whats in store.

Some reflection

Right now I feel...
Elated in how much a couple days since beginning the new year had helped me refocus on the important parts of life and living it justly.

What I am grateful for in 2011:
* Family: being a daughter, sister, aunt, wife and the expansion of my family with my in-laws(a huge blessing)
* Taking the steps in marriage, I would do it all over again! And maybe Darren will jump to answer before the pastor finishes his sentence-great Ice breaker
* The ability to maintain friendships even with distance, made new friendships and working on moving forward from others
* Being able to travel, Florida, Canada, cruise- it was all so great.
* Making ladies night each month- catching up and being in great company
* Having a job
* Seeing our home transform and the ability to upgrade to our liking


What I learned in 2011?
* That I can plan anything
* I have a higher stress level than I knew but learned the importance of leaving it at home and talking things out at home
* I am growing still and this is a great thing
* Over thinking gets me nowhere
* I have such a great support team in family and friends
* Getting my way no longer exists(unless I am with my dad), relationships are about 2people and compromise

In 2012 I choose to feel:
Joyful, glad, and positive even in the midst of stress and personal struggle.

What am I joyfully anticipating in 2012?
* the finishing touches on our home and some re-organization
* new adventures
* slumber parties
* planning for the future
* seeing my family and friends more and often
* an outstanding, challenging, rewarding career
* weekend getaways
* hosting get togethers at our home
* becoming a better couponer
* and Darren to finally agree to let me wax his chest, long shot but still fun and funny

I found this reflect on 2011 create 2012 format through pinterest link

2012

I am unsure what this year will bring. I am uncertain what emotional rollercoaster I will be riding. I hope to take control of who I am, that I will be a better me, I will continue to work towards my goal of a career, making my friendships a priority while spending more time with my family. I want to lead a less stress life.
Today I began cleaning out my closet, removing items that do not fit or I have not worn in a long time in order to upgrade my wardrobe. I want to remove the unnecessary and be more organized.
I want to celebrate life, myself my family and friends. Last night was yet another reason why I miss being around people. Life is supposed to be great and enjoyed with others.
I anticipate that my hard work will show up in the happiness I feel.

Blessed

I have been thinking a lot about being blessed, in the sense that I have much more and not just in the material things but in the thought of family and the ability to give of my love and time freely.  I am beyond blessed to have parents who are working towards accepting me among all the changes I am continually going through, siblings who can make me laugh, cry and be stern in the words and wisdom I try to share with them.  I was raised by an amazing group of women- my ama (grandma), aunts and cousins.  The connection has always been strong but trying at times as I try to make Indy my home.  I am blessed that after giving up on love and creating my own family I found a wonderful man, that at times may drive me crazy, is helping me to become a more patient person, giving us opportunities I did not know I needed, and the adventure of making our own family traditions in this home that he has been working so hard to renovate.  He is constantly showing me that this new life is way better than the life plan I wrote in pen before him. 

I am blessed that this year I am less stressed about Christmas, less stressed about having too much to do, more anxious in sharing the blessings that God has given me. 

Last weekend we celebrated Christmas at my parents home; mom, sisters, Eze, Tegan, Darren and I.  It feels slightly strange to know that Christmas is 2 days away but we have already started sharing the greatness of this season.  My grandfather was opening the gifts that us kids had for him, he stated that he that day luck had followed him and my mother and I immediately let him know that it was not luck but a blessing.  A blessing that we have jobs/careers that allow us to share with one another in giving.  And since then, if not before I have been thinking about how much all of this is a blessing.  I have a car that still runs even after all these years, I have great relationships to continue to build on, I have entered into a loving family and see more clearly all my parents do.  I have entered the stage in my life where I now have a the best relationship with my mom, I have let some people walk out of my life and gained longlasting relationships, I am continually working towards giving the love that am capable of to family and friends.  I am seeking the purpose that God has for my life, the career and life that I can be a blessing and give of my myself in which others will be blessed.  For now I just want to relish in what he has given me, life.

List

So I have been thinking a whole lot about what I would like to put on my gift list. Really, am I allowed to ask for:
• clothing to be put away same day it's washed and not be in the basket for weeks at a time
• for the kitchen table to stay clean at all times
• for things to be put back in their place and not be left out
• more help in the house besides the construction (the basement is a mess)

I know there is more but these are the ones that come to mind right now.