Last journey

Last week I drove Ruby, my truck, for the last time. I spent just over ten years traveling in Ruby and while the passengers came and went she and I were going strong all this time. Atleast as well as it could given the different times she could not pull through for me but giving me a break from whatever I was supposed to be doing. I grew up in college and Ruby was right there to get me from one point to another. I turned up the radio and sang along to my favorite songs, drove with the windows down while the wind tangled my hair, slept at rest stops on the way to and from school. I took time to use the back roads in her, laughed at the conversations I had with others. I drove all my siblings in her, rides to the beach, grocery and other places. Turned my led foot on as I escaped the city and at times myself. With drive thru's, phone calls, living out of a bag in the backseat when work days turned into late nights or a sleepover. Helping me move in and out of the dorms, my first apartment and then into our home. She always had the room for buying all the lumber and sheetrock for our home renovations. Ruby was indeed faithful until she had her moments when she just was not feeling it which let me know she needed more than just up keep-she was getting lots of miles on her and giving me memories.

So on my last drive from our home to my parents it made me think about all the times I spent in Ruby. She is back with my parents who lent her to me all this time. I could not even tell you the day I named her but I always defended her when my MC girlfriends tried to call her something else.

Another chapter in my life closes, and a new one has already started with our "family car," the cube. Soon I will figure out a name for it, we just have to get acquainted. After all I did just spend more than a decade with a great lady.

I am

I am Mrs. D, as much as I have resisted in changing my name in fear of losing who I am and how I have evolved into a great woman because of the many people who have loved and helped in forming who I am.
I am Mrs. D, the person who likes to have everything completed In a timely manner but still took 6 months after marriage to change it legally on all documentation.
I am Mrs. D, I am the wife of a wonderful man, he loves me despite my inner struggle, my pet peeves, my OCD tendencies. He loves me as his wife and friend, his partner in life.
I am Mrs. D, the woman who loves this marriage and will work everyday to make a great home for my husband and family. Leaving my issues behind so that I can live in the moment that God has blessed us with and looking forward to the journey he has in store for us.
I am Mrs. D, I am a stubborn, strong headed woman, christian God fearing lady, who only wants to do her best in everything that comes my way, a people pleaser but also confident in who I have become. I know that the blessings are in part of sacrifice that my husband has made and the grace of God that has carried us through.
I am Mrs. D, and I will make sure everyone says and spells our last name correctly- yes is is a capital B and it matters to me.
I am Mrs. D, and I cannot wait to grow old with my Mr. D.

Vacation

A couple weeks ago we went to church and I have become extremely excited about the new series that we are currently going thru. Our series is Modern Families and the teachings during service have been really great, with ways to do new things/challenges/homework in the marriage. We missed the first week with friends in town and also missed our first small group gathering as it was right after first service, thank goodness our church puts the audio online to listen to at a later date. Something that really stuck with me was that one of our group leaders for small group stated "take a vacation from your issues," something I know I have a hard time doing. We all carry baggage but we also have different ways to cope with each situation that arises and it made me realize that I have a hard time with my pet peeves and just letting it be. Do not get me wrong, when we take a real vacation and get away I really do not worry about the things at home so much as I do when I am at home. I have such high expectations of myself in my various roles from wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, and volunteer. For example I want to keep a great home but not be devoured by expectations that I make it an issue, which I am very good at, it can make a good day into an awful day based on how I looked at the situation instead of just taking it as it comes and making the most of it and even when I tried to turn my attitude around I kept thinking about what else could have been done. I recognized this after the fact when I heard the quote at small group that I have issues and need to give it a vacation. It ruins the fun in life and my relationships take a toll. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder to stop carrying the pressure I give to myself and put on Darren because he cannot read my mind but is willing to help where he can to make life easier on us. I guess I just needed to hear that no matter how little or large the issue I/we can always take a break and get back to it later-whatever it might be.

Things

•I like to take hot baths- no bubbles
•I want to start my career- where are you?!?
•I sometimes wash dishes in diluted bleach and warm soapy water- mostly plastic containers (I don't know of anyone else who does this besides my mom)
•I have a huge fear of salmonila, we cook chicken a lot and I wash my hands a lot and the utensils used
•I share little about myself even with close friends
•I have a nearly weekly phone date with my mother in law- she's so easy to talk to and it helps in sharing/learning from a wise woman and understanding Darren
•I fear what the future holds- success, failure, family and trying to hand it over to God
•I am having a hard time with how I was raised in religious aspect and how I am currently at a non denomonation church- feeling like I lost something great as I have grown up trying to seperate from it all
•Knowing that my niece is attending church with my mom and sister gives me great appreciation that Luz is giving Tegan the option and a great experience
•paranoid does not begin to describe how I feel at times
•I fear being ill, and warn people to stay away and sanitize my workspace often
•I am constantly trying to work on myself as a person, friend, wife, daughter
•only now as an adult do I not care what other people think of me- I am a great person and always working on improving my attitude and more

Just some things I realized recently and hope to face my challenges, give more time in the various relationships that are of upmost importance. I hope to become a better wife, more understanding and giving of myself and setting my frustrations aside from work and home.

Niece

Did you know I have the most beautiful niece ever?! Really she is funny, cute, stubborn, growing fast, an adventurer and at 2 and a half years old she is something else. But I love her so! Even when she gives me the "what do you think your doing" or the " that's what I want, give it to me now" face, she is beyond spoiled and quite frankly I ride a fine line on spoiling her and being the adult that's trying not to give in. Tegan can be a firecracker, always ready for the camera and as a couple of weekends ago proved she likes Uncle Darren. We found her quite a few times on the hammock being pushed by someone, playing with her teddy and my plush frog, asking from the stairs "what are you doing?" in her 2 and a half year old voice. She kept us all busy, but it's always worth it because we have this life to live and share and of course receive scowls from Tegan when she does not like something you are doing. We rest when the family leaves, most of the time anyway.

Amour

Another love of mine...

Shopping, and in the past couple of years shopping vintage has been something I can look forward to.  It all started with finding the right shop in Florida.  

I have come to believe that my mom instilled my love to shop and even more to find a great deal.  For as long as I can remember I have shopped with my mom and it was our thing, as time has passed my siblings started to join us.  We still try to get together for my birthday to shop at my favorite places as my gift from mom.   As an adult I think about how great I had it  and still do.  I like name brands but mostly I look for unique pieces that will not go out of style and for quality- a piece that is made right and with great material will last longer with care and be worth the extra money, atleast that's how I think of it when shopping.  My closet used to be filled with items we purchased from when I was in college, a bright pink trench is a favorite of mine that I still have and do NOT loan out, a few skirts, and some altered dresses.  I would have more but finally gave in earlier this year to clean it up and start letting go of things that do not fit.  As my body changed a bit I, mostly, have come to accept that no matter the value of the item it does not fit/have outgrown the brand or style as a woman and professional its time to let go but it means more room for new items.  I gave some of it back to my mom to give/sell to family members since my sisters and I are all different sizes, had my kid sis Luz go thru some it while pieces that did not have a place to go were donated.  

I look forward to getting ready, especially since the closet has more pieces that fit correctly and less chances of discouragement while figuring out what to wear.  I should have been a model so I could wear great designers and just be a part of the fashion parade.  Until then I will strut my stuff everywhere I go.

Food

I tend to have an affair,

With food.
I love food! Something quick, usually with some spice, comfort foods from my childhood and more and more new things I did not think I would like but found out by trying them. I am always trying to figure out new recipes as Darren is the picky eater. I have found that he actually likes some of the foods I grew up on and some he just does not even try.
Here are some delicious meals we have enjoyed.

Crockpot chicken with potatoes, homemade cheddar biscuts and homemade chocolate and mint cookies, I thought a wine was a necessary add on.

For my niece Tegan I made the cake and elmo cupcakes, not too bad for my first try at decorating.  Box cake but homemade frosting from scratch thanks to Mrs. D, getting the color was easier than I thought with help from a nearby sweet shop.

An off brand ice wine showed to be just as delicious as the expensive stuff we buy.

The remnants of our anniversary foodm I like my meat well done, some did not make the cut.

My birthday breakfast, a Zone protein bar and a free apple infuison chai from Starbucks.

My giant birthday cupcake Darren bought me, hit the spot.

A comfort food from my childhood, chorizo with eggs, queso fresco (translates to fresh cheese but its obviously prepackaged), and a multi vitamin.

With teamwork we made chorizo and eggs- its becoming a favorite for Darren, quesadillas and queso fresco.  This time I added not only water but a Rosé wine.

I found an easy to follow homemade pizza dough recipe and made pizza with our favorite toppings. I liked being able to do the whole process and it was kind of relaxing for me.

 

I like to cook, eat, try new things and of course feed my husband.

 

 

Moments

You ever have a moment? A time that holds you back even though you try to let go, a part of you just wants to have the release of sweet emotion but it comes out in partial small tears when all you need is a chance to just let it all out in crocodile tears. I had those moments on Wednesday the first day of August, yes more than one.  I turned a year wiser, more appreciative, blessed, loved and as of recently-overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by the great and unexpected blessings in life that I have been given.  I am in great health, have an amazing husband, parents, in-laws, siblings and friends.  I am constantly touched by the memories, love and words that my family use to bring me to that moment.  

In the shower I had my first chance to let it all out but it did not come out of me.  I was thinking on and praying in thankfulness for all that I have in my family, everything else is just extra.  My mom called me on my way to work and just not being with her and my immediate family makes it hard on my day. But mostly just the overwhelming appreciation and feeling of love that is between a parent and child- no matter what we have gone thru. 

A friend, Amy, sent me an app card if you will, just the words and the love that comes with it.  To be remembered always feels good on special occasions. 

One of my aunts that I grew up with sent me my annual e-card.  She recalled a moment when I was just a baby, something I would never be able to recall, and the thought of her protection over me brought me to wipe what tears came out and swallow the rest as I was in the office working.  

Darren always makes my days better, his thoughtfulness, my choice dinner, and he even picked up a giant cupcake for us to enjoy.  

It was a great way to end the day.  Soon I will get my goals for the next year together and jotted down.

Vows

Our first date, a walking tour of downtown Indy and an Indians baseball game

June 2008

A year ago we embarked on a journey to be together or the rest of our lives, to enter the "institution" of marriage and know that we both believed that this was the beginning of a lifetime commitment to each other. Having completed pre marriage counseling a couple months before, I had felt much more confident in our decision to become our own family while also joining together our seperate friends and families as a support system in the walk of life.  Marriage had become such a foreign concept to me after I moved on from my first love, I gave up all the dreams because I did not see them for myself without this person and instead moved away and forged on with my desire to be a career driven woman with the option to date freely and enjoy my life in a whole different light.  To live for my career and not for Love.  Years passed, I met Darren and things changed, and I become more open to different commitment milestones, my desires had shifted and I once again became open to being loved and loving whole heartedly.
This past week all I could think about was our ceremony, the actions, words/vows, thoughts, and knowing that we were being held up by some of the great family and friends in our lives.  The day is such a blur, so much goes on from the beginning of the week to the days after but I never want to forget those vows that I made in God's, our families, and friends presence.  We changed the vows slightly to fit us and what we felt.

Our Vows

Darren and Bea, as you contemplate the making of your vows to each other, realize that from this day forward your destinies will be woven together.  Your joys and struggles will not be known apart from one another. Darren, repeat after me. I, Darren, take thee Bea, to be my wedded wife - - - to have and to hold - - - from this day forward - - - in sickness and in health - - - in prosperity and in need - - - to love and to cherish - - - so long as we both shall live - - - let my heart be your shelter - - - and my arms your home - - - to this I pledge you my faith.
Bea, repeat after me. I, Bea, take thee Darren, to be my wedded husband - - - to have and to hold - - - from this day forward - - - in sickness and in health - - - in prosperity and in need - - - to love and to cherish - - - so long as we both shall live - - - let my heart be your shelter - - - and my arms your home - - - to this I pledge you my faith.

And one of my favorite parts, the Sand Ceremony.  I was very elated with the words that had been used previously and kept all parts.  To see our glass heart filled with sand, the white reminding me that God is our foundation and that I should always lean on him for guidance in our marriage.

Sand Ceremony

Darren and Bea will now come together for the Mixing of the Sands.  Just as Jesus Christ is the Lord of their lives and the Rock of their Salvation, He will now be the solid foundation that holds their marriage firm.  This is symbolized by the white sand in the bottom of the bottle.  Darren and Bea both have sands that symbolize their individual lives.  As they pour their sands together, it shows how their lives – once separate – are now becoming intertwined as one.  Just as it would be impossible to separate these sands once poured, their commitment shall make them inseparable as well.

Its a day I never want to forget.

Aghhh

That was not a good aghhh, more like where have the days gone, what have I been doing, what needs to get done as summer is halfway over and there has been a whole bunch of busy. Our weekends flying by with little to no relaxation. Without a doubt still wonderful memories made and great experiences but a busy first summer leading up to our anniversary. We have had our 6 month dental cleaning, plenty of appointments, lots of working out, plenty of running, plenty of dinners cooked by Darren, a gathering with girlfriends from high school, house renovations and messiness, Darren ran a 6 miler in the humid, hot morning, and then there was Toronto and it was great. Toronto brought a tasting at my favorite winery, saw a new place, and then time at the track. Then the little, rolling around in car and bed to sleep before work early Monday. This past Saturday I had a day alone at home, and it was very productive. I may have skipped my nap but I got a lot done, incluiding an early morning run, house cleaning, shopping for house needs, getting Darren's anniversary gift together, and catching up on dvr. I slept pretty well hat night knowing that I accomplished a lot, and saved some money along the way. This past Sunday I had another emotional kids service if you will. At the end of VBS the kids perform many songs that they learned throughout the week. Last year I got teary eyed thinking about my childhood, family and all the times I spent in church with my cousins. This year it made me long for a little one and our own little family. When we finally get to the point that it will happen for us it will be so exciting to share our lives, beliefs and values while forming a little ones life to be a great follower of God and making the most of their lives. So much more to come, wedding Saturday,anniversary dinner next week and projects wrapping up as the summer winds down. Ps I also tried some a different wine, cheaper ice wine, almond milk and frozen Greek yogurt. A lot of new stuff that I never would have thought that I would like but great additions to my every day meal/snack choices.