I, j, k, l, m

I- indecisive, so I make choices based on 3 options J- joker, I try K- Keeper of secrets L- laughing at myself makes me feel human M- motherly

A break in the alphabet

To recognize the death that has come to me, not a physical death but an emotional and written death. Today, after much procrastination and thinking that if I let it be it would disappear and never be talked about again. But it did not disappear, vanish into thin air after so many months of not speaking of it instead it made me ruin my weekend thinking about it and made me sweat profusely today. I changed my name, I did not want to, ever, I wanted to keep on being me. And I know that I personally will not change but my identity has, the emotional tie I had to my given last name has been damaged. It's who I became, I finally learned to love myself and accepted who I became long after everyone else did. I was able to grasp how powerful as a woman I could become and the great strengths that no one else could show or give me. I now have two middle names, does that make me better than before? Or simply just me with an additional last name? Going through the motions and it's going I take quite a few glasses of wine. I loved me, the me that finally blossomed and changed, accepted, believed, took chances, the person that Darren fell in love with. I know more changed are yet to come and like this one, time, friends, laughter, and a glass of red will surely make it clear that it's the way it was supposed to be all along.

E, f, g, h

E- exquisite taste, atleast I believe so F- family, of upmost importance G- glamorous is always a thought to evoke when dressing and shopping H- happy, hopeful, honest

A,b,c,d

Sorry for my slacking, I did have great intentions on my April photo challenge and then I let life carry me away. To other causes, gym nights and sleep. I always I need my sleep and weekend naps make everything better. So something new, I thought of this as a way for expression and hey maybe I saw it somewhere and now it's coming to light. A- anxious for what's to come in life. B- believe that there is more, each day a new chance to start over. C- constantly thinking, wondering, hoping and praying. D- dessert should never be passed up.

April

http://www.fatmumslim.com.au/2012/03/april-photo-day-list-join-in.html?m=1

I found this awhile back on Pinterest and thought, I am going to do this!  Needless to say I knew that the first week would be a little tricky as we would be away on vacation but then again its just committing to make the time to look for the different items through out the day.

Day 1 Your Reflection

Day 2 Colour

I kinda cheated on this one, I had it in my photo library. But still a fave for me.

Day 3 Mail

This one I also took at home as we had no mail at the hotel. Mail takes over our kitchen table.

Day 4 Someone who Makes you Happy

That would be Darren for me, this was while on vacation. Fun!

Day 5 Tiny

Darren was collecting shells while at the beach and I was finally able to photograph them today.

Day 6 Lunch

It does not take me long to down my lunch, It was a scrambled egg with tortilla sandwich, a few churritos (mexican fried chip like with chili powder), string cheese and a beverage.

Needless to say I hope to have some more interesting photo moments the rest of this month. 

Soon I will post some vacay photos.

20 random things

So I found a Pinterest pin and this lady was writing several blogs about very many random items to write out. I lost the pin, the website is lost in the history of my IPhone but here is the first and maybe I will make my own list of 30 blog items.  More to come!

1. I read magazines from the back to the front cover.
2. I brush my teeth and walk around doing minor stuff, put away laundry, get lunch ready-whatever needs done.
3. I despise public restrooms, avoid at all costs.
4. There are times I am very OCD and now as a married woman I hold my tongue as there are 2 adults in the house- he sees the mess he makes.
5. I am beyond in love and so glad that I gave in and have been led into a healthy marriage.
6. I do not wear t-shirts or tennis shoes in public. I better be going or coming from a workout.
7. I despise running but I do it anyway. Plus the after affect and time to not think is helpful.
8. I can memorize lyrics like no other. Just drive with me and you will see, for some reason I pick it up very easily.
9. I prefer to buy my books, I have not had a library card since high school.  This will have to change soon as I will have more time to read and do not always want to spend the money on books.
10. I am a calendar person, it's in my phone or on our paper calendar or we are not there.
11. I like to take charge- I get my families holidays and other things organized. This year I am trying to step back.  Although this may be my calling in life, to be in charge.  Something about having control and knowing that it is up to me to get it all figured out is empowering.
12. I self diagnose, of course its either nothing or worse than I think.  It's allergies but ends up being a cold, feels like its going to work its way out of my body and its there much longer.
13. I try to eat very healthy and make time to exercise but it's a rare moment that I will pass up on dessert.
14. The slightest things can make me cry. Mostly hearing songs on the radio that speak to me or about an ill child gets the tears flowing. I am blaming this on marriage and the anticipation of having a family.
15. I am bilingual when I pray and bring up words randomly when I speak to Darren and my family.  Our child WILL be bilingual even if Darren cannot understand- this is a great gift to have.
16. I am NOT pregnant but I think a lot about having a child, Darren and I say how awesome they will be.  21 year old me is going to find out what we may have missed out on.
17. Making decisions based on 3 options is what I prefer. Darren has even caught on to this, restaurant decisions and activities are slightly easier this way.
18. I do not like to skip meals and prefer to snack throughout the day.  Do not let my physical image fool you.
19.  I have the need to be early to appointments, gatherings, etc.  This desire probably stems from many different past events.
20. My love language to others is giving while I perceive time with others as my receiving love language.

Homebody

I am now coming home from a work trip, one I did not want to go on and had been dreading its arrival since I knew I would be going.  I did not want to  be away from home and away from Darren.  Our calendar has been filling up and free weekends at home together are scarce.  I kept thinking about how we are still in our first year of marriage and I was losing out on time together. I knew that the weekend would be claimed by housework and making meals but it was also some us time and even a few naps.  Then I just realized that I might be a homebody.  I prefer to be at home, our home, to sleep in the bed we share, have everything I need at my disposal and to coexist even with our separate activities.  I like being in a home that is being transformed for us, that makes me feel beyond comfortable.  

I went back to the bend recently and was asked by family if we would be staying in town for the night, only replying that this would be a day trip for us.  I have fought so hard refusing to make Indy my home and this construction mess a place to live in.  But the time came and I realized that I have a home it has become my home, as much as I have found refuge in my parents home it is no longer mine.  It can no longer protect me from growing up.  It is a place to visit, but for me, it currently is not a place for me/us to stay.  It does not hold the comfort it used to, while the great memories are still with me it is not my home.  
I prefer our bed, my pillow, our bathroom, my towels.  I rather be at home than out on the town, I find serenity in keeping up the house.  And mostly I enjoy being with Darren, I rather travel with him and share a bed with him.  There is comfort and warmth when we share a bed, it reminds me how grateful I am for the blessings that we have been given, the love and hope.  I would still like our house to be anywhere else that is 80plus degrees on a daily basis but this will more than do until then-my home is with Darren. As is our vows, "let my arms be your shelter, and my heart your home"- and it is.

Husband

Have I told you how much I LOVE my husband. He can get frustrated, be messy, unorganized, and really busy at times. He can be funny at times, he has a great laughing cackle, a beautiful smile, we can be goofs together, hard worker, great provider, he does his best to take care of us even when both feel ill, he has a big heart and is a strong person all together. He is a wonderful man.
I always call Darren by his name and not "husband," it's just one of those things even when I talk to people I just assume they know he is my counter part. Darren likes to call me his wife, he likes to say it aloud even if it's just the two of us. And recently it feels good. I am beginning to make this a part of my identity. But mostly I am so very proud, happy, blessed that this is who I am and that I have Darren. Life as husband and wife is not at all bad- its busy, grand, exciting, full of greatness, blessings and love. The bigger picture of what I can see in this relationship/marriage is so beautiful. This is what God intended and I am so happy for us, our story and what's to come.

21

If my 21 year old self could see me now. I was thinking about this on my way home the other night and it made me laugh and smile. It made me laugh because I had this plan on how I was going to live after heartbreak, dating again and my ideas on it, my life plan and knowing I was about to take one of the greatest adventures on by going to school 12 hours away from home. I had embraced this headstrong personality that made me feel like I had the best life plan for myself. I was aboard my own train to greatness based on my outlook on life and what I planned to become.
If my 21 year old self could see me now, she would be slightly disgusted but relieved that I regained the ability to love another so deeply and unconditionally and allow him to love me back. She would grimace at the idea of planning a wedding, but so glad that we did not take it overboard. She would laugh at us looking at the price of items before purchasing, using coupons even if it got to the lowest price. She would worry for me even more than my present self does about starting a family. But also about the same things like being healthy, watchful, making time for myself and my family, not missing out on the greatness of life and living, losing sleep and all the what ifs that might occur that comes with the challenge.
My 21 year old self would be beyond proud that I have taken control of my health by being careful of what I put into my body while still enjoying my favorite treats. That even when I thought I hated running, as a grown woman I have found the outlet for my stress and anxiety. I would thank myself for being much more conscious of taking care of myself and giving it all I can to have a healthier body and finding my outer strength.
My 21 year old self would be glad that I resist the possibility to settle, that even though my dream career has not occurred I would see that it's okay to not know what I want to be when a grow up and even more that I am still holding myself to a higher standard and refuse to stop learning, growing and being challenged.
She would be so pleased that I did not lose my faith, that I am finding my way back to God and finding time to talk to him about it all.
She may not understand it all but she would be glad that I managed to forget how old I am, keep my morals, beliefs, values and maintain great realationships- she would be ecstatic that even though this is not my 21 year old plan or my 24 year old plan, this life is beyond wonderful, blessed, and in just about every way so much more better.

Time

A couple days ago I decided it was time. Time to let go of my wild side that I lived in regards to being just a youthful woman with no worries and no true adult responsibilities. I removed my belly button ring, stepping out of the shower and coming to terms with my body changing since I have been slowly putting on some weight, I decided it was just time to let it go. I can remember the moments that led up to the decision that I was going to plunge and give in to doing this. I was life guarding, a fellow coworker and I had been talking about it and finally we decided that after all the talk we would go and have it done after work that night. I had been in a tattoo shop before but never say on one of the tables, remember my friend went first and they tried to get her to scare me. She did not. In less than a half hour we were newly pierced and flashing it in our lifeguard suits the next day. Don't worry we watched them like hawks to make sure it was all in sterile pouches. Even my wild side is always careful.
In that time I felt empowered, making a grown up decision and following through with something that I wanted. As time has passed by I have kinda forgotten about it, I cleaned it from time to time, a summer later I worked the pools again and since then on rare occasions. Time has allowed me to grow and evolve. What a great ride.