being a teen

I somehow came upon an old, old male friend. In my early teens there was this friend, there were four of us, my cousin and I and his cousin, and life happened and we lost contact, which was probably for the best anyway. I started thinking about how it was being a teen, a young teen. Pre-Driving teen. It was an awkward stage for me, like most I guess. It was not knowing what to do, being told what to do, how to dress, how to act, finding myself through others words. It was a tiring growing up constant cycle. I was kinda one of the boys which is hard to believe because I have so many more female cousins. It was growing into my body and what a teen was. I do not know how my parents felt about me at this stage because I was never a trouble maker. While I definitely had my moments, probably stemming from the fear of growing up. I also had an easy childhood. My parents have always been great providers but there were discussions that were definitely never came up and I feel into the role of seeing my cousins grow up. I spent most of my time with my grandparents, on my mothers side. I went everywhere, usually on some kind of vacation and church activities, as apa (grandpa) was a pastor. I grew up in the church, under a magnifying glass and expectations of my mother in regards to choices that pertained to being a part of the congregation while my father pushed me into my athletics but both expected me to excel in academics. With little guidance, neither one of my parents have a college degree. It was a whole new area but I knew it too would happen and we walked that walk. My parents, a few years ago.

I recall not being the closest to my mother, I do not know why as I always hear about how my girlfriends, most anyway are best friends with their mothers. There was definitely a lot of pressure. Difference being that my mother grew up with 10 siblings, there were different expectations in a time that was in some ways easier. But I LOve them, they made a great person, I like to think. They worked hard to provide a life beyond what they had and somehow they raised 5 children, 2 still at home. I grew up in a much more pressure filled society, my cousins that were my age did not have the same expectations that my parents had for me, they had a whole other set even if they in some ways overlap. I did not have the buffers of siblings/cousins my age that were held to the same expectations in the church and in life as a whole. I have always been close to my dad, he has been easier to talk to, while that may have changed in the last couple of years with my mom. He has been more calm, less criticizing and more constructive but also avoided the different conversations, maybe because he never thought he had to have them with me. I speak to my mom more now, like in college. I try not to get caught up in life because I know she too has stories, thoughts, feelings and wants someone to listen. It has been a roller coaster and right now we are smooth sailing. Even though there are sometimes I want to "divorce" her, give her space and myself time to think about what was said. She has had a hard time with us growing up and moving away and I think she also has a problem with sharing me the way I have a hard time sharing my family with others.

And I just love this picture of baby, Spring break in INdy with me 2008.