Last journey

Last week I drove Ruby, my truck, for the last time. I spent just over ten years traveling in Ruby and while the passengers came and went she and I were going strong all this time. Atleast as well as it could given the different times she could not pull through for me but giving me a break from whatever I was supposed to be doing. I grew up in college and Ruby was right there to get me from one point to another. I turned up the radio and sang along to my favorite songs, drove with the windows down while the wind tangled my hair, slept at rest stops on the way to and from school. I took time to use the back roads in her, laughed at the conversations I had with others. I drove all my siblings in her, rides to the beach, grocery and other places. Turned my led foot on as I escaped the city and at times myself. With drive thru's, phone calls, living out of a bag in the backseat when work days turned into late nights or a sleepover. Helping me move in and out of the dorms, my first apartment and then into our home. She always had the room for buying all the lumber and sheetrock for our home renovations. Ruby was indeed faithful until she had her moments when she just was not feeling it which let me know she needed more than just up keep-she was getting lots of miles on her and giving me memories.

So on my last drive from our home to my parents it made me think about all the times I spent in Ruby. She is back with my parents who lent her to me all this time. I could not even tell you the day I named her but I always defended her when my MC girlfriends tried to call her something else.

Another chapter in my life closes, and a new one has already started with our "family car," the cube. Soon I will figure out a name for it, we just have to get acquainted. After all I did just spend more than a decade with a great lady.

I am

I am Mrs. D, as much as I have resisted in changing my name in fear of losing who I am and how I have evolved into a great woman because of the many people who have loved and helped in forming who I am.
I am Mrs. D, the person who likes to have everything completed In a timely manner but still took 6 months after marriage to change it legally on all documentation.
I am Mrs. D, I am the wife of a wonderful man, he loves me despite my inner struggle, my pet peeves, my OCD tendencies. He loves me as his wife and friend, his partner in life.
I am Mrs. D, the woman who loves this marriage and will work everyday to make a great home for my husband and family. Leaving my issues behind so that I can live in the moment that God has blessed us with and looking forward to the journey he has in store for us.
I am Mrs. D, I am a stubborn, strong headed woman, christian God fearing lady, who only wants to do her best in everything that comes my way, a people pleaser but also confident in who I have become. I know that the blessings are in part of sacrifice that my husband has made and the grace of God that has carried us through.
I am Mrs. D, and I will make sure everyone says and spells our last name correctly- yes is is a capital B and it matters to me.
I am Mrs. D, and I cannot wait to grow old with my Mr. D.

Vacation

A couple weeks ago we went to church and I have become extremely excited about the new series that we are currently going thru. Our series is Modern Families and the teachings during service have been really great, with ways to do new things/challenges/homework in the marriage. We missed the first week with friends in town and also missed our first small group gathering as it was right after first service, thank goodness our church puts the audio online to listen to at a later date. Something that really stuck with me was that one of our group leaders for small group stated "take a vacation from your issues," something I know I have a hard time doing. We all carry baggage but we also have different ways to cope with each situation that arises and it made me realize that I have a hard time with my pet peeves and just letting it be. Do not get me wrong, when we take a real vacation and get away I really do not worry about the things at home so much as I do when I am at home. I have such high expectations of myself in my various roles from wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, and volunteer. For example I want to keep a great home but not be devoured by expectations that I make it an issue, which I am very good at, it can make a good day into an awful day based on how I looked at the situation instead of just taking it as it comes and making the most of it and even when I tried to turn my attitude around I kept thinking about what else could have been done. I recognized this after the fact when I heard the quote at small group that I have issues and need to give it a vacation. It ruins the fun in life and my relationships take a toll. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder to stop carrying the pressure I give to myself and put on Darren because he cannot read my mind but is willing to help where he can to make life easier on us. I guess I just needed to hear that no matter how little or large the issue I/we can always take a break and get back to it later-whatever it might be.

Things

•I like to take hot baths- no bubbles
•I want to start my career- where are you?!?
•I sometimes wash dishes in diluted bleach and warm soapy water- mostly plastic containers (I don't know of anyone else who does this besides my mom)
•I have a huge fear of salmonila, we cook chicken a lot and I wash my hands a lot and the utensils used
•I share little about myself even with close friends
•I have a nearly weekly phone date with my mother in law- she's so easy to talk to and it helps in sharing/learning from a wise woman and understanding Darren
•I fear what the future holds- success, failure, family and trying to hand it over to God
•I am having a hard time with how I was raised in religious aspect and how I am currently at a non denomonation church- feeling like I lost something great as I have grown up trying to seperate from it all
•Knowing that my niece is attending church with my mom and sister gives me great appreciation that Luz is giving Tegan the option and a great experience
•paranoid does not begin to describe how I feel at times
•I fear being ill, and warn people to stay away and sanitize my workspace often
•I am constantly trying to work on myself as a person, friend, wife, daughter
•only now as an adult do I not care what other people think of me- I am a great person and always working on improving my attitude and more

Just some things I realized recently and hope to face my challenges, give more time in the various relationships that are of upmost importance. I hope to become a better wife, more understanding and giving of myself and setting my frustrations aside from work and home.

Niece

Did you know I have the most beautiful niece ever?! Really she is funny, cute, stubborn, growing fast, an adventurer and at 2 and a half years old she is something else. But I love her so! Even when she gives me the "what do you think your doing" or the " that's what I want, give it to me now" face, she is beyond spoiled and quite frankly I ride a fine line on spoiling her and being the adult that's trying not to give in. Tegan can be a firecracker, always ready for the camera and as a couple of weekends ago proved she likes Uncle Darren. We found her quite a few times on the hammock being pushed by someone, playing with her teddy and my plush frog, asking from the stairs "what are you doing?" in her 2 and a half year old voice. She kept us all busy, but it's always worth it because we have this life to live and share and of course receive scowls from Tegan when she does not like something you are doing. We rest when the family leaves, most of the time anyway.

Amour

Another love of mine...

Shopping, and in the past couple of years shopping vintage has been something I can look forward to.  It all started with finding the right shop in Florida.  

I have come to believe that my mom instilled my love to shop and even more to find a great deal.  For as long as I can remember I have shopped with my mom and it was our thing, as time has passed my siblings started to join us.  We still try to get together for my birthday to shop at my favorite places as my gift from mom.   As an adult I think about how great I had it  and still do.  I like name brands but mostly I look for unique pieces that will not go out of style and for quality- a piece that is made right and with great material will last longer with care and be worth the extra money, atleast that's how I think of it when shopping.  My closet used to be filled with items we purchased from when I was in college, a bright pink trench is a favorite of mine that I still have and do NOT loan out, a few skirts, and some altered dresses.  I would have more but finally gave in earlier this year to clean it up and start letting go of things that do not fit.  As my body changed a bit I, mostly, have come to accept that no matter the value of the item it does not fit/have outgrown the brand or style as a woman and professional its time to let go but it means more room for new items.  I gave some of it back to my mom to give/sell to family members since my sisters and I are all different sizes, had my kid sis Luz go thru some it while pieces that did not have a place to go were donated.  

I look forward to getting ready, especially since the closet has more pieces that fit correctly and less chances of discouragement while figuring out what to wear.  I should have been a model so I could wear great designers and just be a part of the fashion parade.  Until then I will strut my stuff everywhere I go.

Food

I tend to have an affair,

With food.
I love food! Something quick, usually with some spice, comfort foods from my childhood and more and more new things I did not think I would like but found out by trying them. I am always trying to figure out new recipes as Darren is the picky eater. I have found that he actually likes some of the foods I grew up on and some he just does not even try.
Here are some delicious meals we have enjoyed.

Crockpot chicken with potatoes, homemade cheddar biscuts and homemade chocolate and mint cookies, I thought a wine was a necessary add on.

For my niece Tegan I made the cake and elmo cupcakes, not too bad for my first try at decorating.  Box cake but homemade frosting from scratch thanks to Mrs. D, getting the color was easier than I thought with help from a nearby sweet shop.

An off brand ice wine showed to be just as delicious as the expensive stuff we buy.

The remnants of our anniversary foodm I like my meat well done, some did not make the cut.

My birthday breakfast, a Zone protein bar and a free apple infuison chai from Starbucks.

My giant birthday cupcake Darren bought me, hit the spot.

A comfort food from my childhood, chorizo with eggs, queso fresco (translates to fresh cheese but its obviously prepackaged), and a multi vitamin.

With teamwork we made chorizo and eggs- its becoming a favorite for Darren, quesadillas and queso fresco.  This time I added not only water but a Rosé wine.

I found an easy to follow homemade pizza dough recipe and made pizza with our favorite toppings. I liked being able to do the whole process and it was kind of relaxing for me.

 

I like to cook, eat, try new things and of course feed my husband.

 

 

Moments

You ever have a moment? A time that holds you back even though you try to let go, a part of you just wants to have the release of sweet emotion but it comes out in partial small tears when all you need is a chance to just let it all out in crocodile tears. I had those moments on Wednesday the first day of August, yes more than one.  I turned a year wiser, more appreciative, blessed, loved and as of recently-overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by the great and unexpected blessings in life that I have been given.  I am in great health, have an amazing husband, parents, in-laws, siblings and friends.  I am constantly touched by the memories, love and words that my family use to bring me to that moment.  

In the shower I had my first chance to let it all out but it did not come out of me.  I was thinking on and praying in thankfulness for all that I have in my family, everything else is just extra.  My mom called me on my way to work and just not being with her and my immediate family makes it hard on my day. But mostly just the overwhelming appreciation and feeling of love that is between a parent and child- no matter what we have gone thru. 

A friend, Amy, sent me an app card if you will, just the words and the love that comes with it.  To be remembered always feels good on special occasions. 

One of my aunts that I grew up with sent me my annual e-card.  She recalled a moment when I was just a baby, something I would never be able to recall, and the thought of her protection over me brought me to wipe what tears came out and swallow the rest as I was in the office working.  

Darren always makes my days better, his thoughtfulness, my choice dinner, and he even picked up a giant cupcake for us to enjoy.  

It was a great way to end the day.  Soon I will get my goals for the next year together and jotted down.

Vows

Our first date, a walking tour of downtown Indy and an Indians baseball game

June 2008

A year ago we embarked on a journey to be together or the rest of our lives, to enter the "institution" of marriage and know that we both believed that this was the beginning of a lifetime commitment to each other. Having completed pre marriage counseling a couple months before, I had felt much more confident in our decision to become our own family while also joining together our seperate friends and families as a support system in the walk of life.  Marriage had become such a foreign concept to me after I moved on from my first love, I gave up all the dreams because I did not see them for myself without this person and instead moved away and forged on with my desire to be a career driven woman with the option to date freely and enjoy my life in a whole different light.  To live for my career and not for Love.  Years passed, I met Darren and things changed, and I become more open to different commitment milestones, my desires had shifted and I once again became open to being loved and loving whole heartedly.
This past week all I could think about was our ceremony, the actions, words/vows, thoughts, and knowing that we were being held up by some of the great family and friends in our lives.  The day is such a blur, so much goes on from the beginning of the week to the days after but I never want to forget those vows that I made in God's, our families, and friends presence.  We changed the vows slightly to fit us and what we felt.

Our Vows

Darren and Bea, as you contemplate the making of your vows to each other, realize that from this day forward your destinies will be woven together.  Your joys and struggles will not be known apart from one another. Darren, repeat after me. I, Darren, take thee Bea, to be my wedded wife - - - to have and to hold - - - from this day forward - - - in sickness and in health - - - in prosperity and in need - - - to love and to cherish - - - so long as we both shall live - - - let my heart be your shelter - - - and my arms your home - - - to this I pledge you my faith.
Bea, repeat after me. I, Bea, take thee Darren, to be my wedded husband - - - to have and to hold - - - from this day forward - - - in sickness and in health - - - in prosperity and in need - - - to love and to cherish - - - so long as we both shall live - - - let my heart be your shelter - - - and my arms your home - - - to this I pledge you my faith.

And one of my favorite parts, the Sand Ceremony.  I was very elated with the words that had been used previously and kept all parts.  To see our glass heart filled with sand, the white reminding me that God is our foundation and that I should always lean on him for guidance in our marriage.

Sand Ceremony

Darren and Bea will now come together for the Mixing of the Sands.  Just as Jesus Christ is the Lord of their lives and the Rock of their Salvation, He will now be the solid foundation that holds their marriage firm.  This is symbolized by the white sand in the bottom of the bottle.  Darren and Bea both have sands that symbolize their individual lives.  As they pour their sands together, it shows how their lives – once separate – are now becoming intertwined as one.  Just as it would be impossible to separate these sands once poured, their commitment shall make them inseparable as well.

Its a day I never want to forget.

Aghhh

That was not a good aghhh, more like where have the days gone, what have I been doing, what needs to get done as summer is halfway over and there has been a whole bunch of busy. Our weekends flying by with little to no relaxation. Without a doubt still wonderful memories made and great experiences but a busy first summer leading up to our anniversary. We have had our 6 month dental cleaning, plenty of appointments, lots of working out, plenty of running, plenty of dinners cooked by Darren, a gathering with girlfriends from high school, house renovations and messiness, Darren ran a 6 miler in the humid, hot morning, and then there was Toronto and it was great. Toronto brought a tasting at my favorite winery, saw a new place, and then time at the track. Then the little, rolling around in car and bed to sleep before work early Monday. This past Saturday I had a day alone at home, and it was very productive. I may have skipped my nap but I got a lot done, incluiding an early morning run, house cleaning, shopping for house needs, getting Darren's anniversary gift together, and catching up on dvr. I slept pretty well hat night knowing that I accomplished a lot, and saved some money along the way. This past Sunday I had another emotional kids service if you will. At the end of VBS the kids perform many songs that they learned throughout the week. Last year I got teary eyed thinking about my childhood, family and all the times I spent in church with my cousins. This year it made me long for a little one and our own little family. When we finally get to the point that it will happen for us it will be so exciting to share our lives, beliefs and values while forming a little ones life to be a great follower of God and making the most of their lives. So much more to come, wedding Saturday,anniversary dinner next week and projects wrapping up as the summer winds down. Ps I also tried some a different wine, cheaper ice wine, almond milk and frozen Greek yogurt. A lot of new stuff that I never would have thought that I would like but great additions to my every day meal/snack choices.

340 days

We started our marriage with prayer and then a holler of relief escaped me as we exited the sanctuary.  We had our favorite foods as part of our reception dinner, an after party at our home with our closest friends. Our first day as a married couple started with opening our gifts, making a list and writing thank you cards to send out.  We had breakfast at a local diner with Gina at our side. Since our wedding day together we have experienced lots of laughter, struggle, driving, stress and are still learning to compromise- putting our marriage first. If you know me/us, you will know the importance of marriage in our lives. The commitment that we made and continue to make everyday to put our relationship first.  It can at times feel very refreshing to know that through all the years, the growth and different experiences we each have been through we have the same values and mostly same belief standards.  Even with the age gap we both still believe in family and what it means to us.  I definitely do not believe we have the perfect marriage or believe in perfection even but our desire to put our differences aside, accept each other, love unconditionally and root it all in the belief that God has brought us together for a purpose and it is him we should lean to for guidance.  We both stated that divorce is not an option before we talked about marriage and shortly after we conquered all the other important subjects and how we each felt.  Letting our limits become crossed but knowing that is all for the greatness of a blessed and openly communicating marriage and relationship, sometimes it was even coming to different profound realizations that have helped me through some of the harder topics.  Even with the rocky start to our year I know we can open up and re-evaluate our needs, allowing ourselves to reach out to each other so that we can continue to move forward.   Marriage, a beautiful thing even when we have to: drive 15+ hours for spring break, struggle with differences in habits, walk miles just to sit in the sun to watch the races, learn to become more patient, ask for what you need, find a stress reliever in weight lifting, running, singing, do laundry for the millionth time, pray for patience and understanding on an almost daily basis.  I am looking forward to the fun, ups, downs, surprises, to continue to be the constant encourager and supporter of my husband.  This is part of what marriage is to me, I know some parts will evolve and I will have my moments but I know we are both in it for the rest of our lives.   Also I am feeling pretty awesome about my anniversary gifts that I am coming up with- this excites me.  The thrill and anticipation of the surprise in store.

Reunion?

10 years have passed since I left high school, and there I was ready to take on the future loving every mile that got me away from the town of not enough. I had dreams and aspirations of becoming more but then I had experiences, loved and let go, went to 3 colleges and figured out who I was and how I fit into the plan laid out for me. College was the greatest experience for me, like some this time is where we find who we are, learn to stand firm in our beliefs and test the boundaries we were given. Now high school, it was the right of passage, everyone has to go thru it and we make the most of it, there are a few things that stand out that made it worth the while, teachers that made an impact and coaches that made each day better. Do I go back? My close girlfriends I still see, do I join them or just let it be? A lot has happend since I walked across the stage and out the doors. I don't want to regret this one time opportunity but also know how much I have grown up and see how little others have.

On a search

We are just over a month away from our first wedding anniversary, and as fast as this last year has gone it cannot be summed up very easily. We faced adventure, long drives, flights, shopping trips, a tough start to a new year, and lots of laughs. Now I think of myself as a decent gift giver and with our first anniversary I have to come up with something memorable. I put this stress on myself because Darren is so hard to shop for, he is the man that buys what he wants and needs, does not give many hints making it that much harder. Trying to use some parts of the classic anniversary gifts, keeping my ears open to what Darren might say. I think I have a few ideas but want to make sure my streak of great ideas does not hit the fan on this special occassion. I looked up some ideas from other people online, mixed with some of his hobbies and hopefully I can come up with something great. I will let you know how it goes.

Finally, s-z

S- Silly, happens a lot in our home making our days lighter T- toilets are just as bad as dishes, but it all still has to get done U- umbrellas, I have plenty except with me when I need one V- victory at the end of a challenge is what I look forward to, whether is a post work out great inner feeling or a task that takes more time in the end it's all worth it for that moment of joy W- water is my main source of relief from becoming parch, goal of 64 oz a day is what I am for although the weekends are the hardest for me to get it all in X- marks the spot  Y- I can yap, yak, yelp- gotta catch myself in those moments Z- zits are not welcome, zest of lime can be a nice touch to some foods

Where did the time go?

About four years ago, Memorial day weekend Darren and I met. At the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, the 500 Indy car race is what brought us together. Our singleness, being the odd one out in our circle of friends that are all couples, and our past time of running. I gave Darren my number, my newness to the city, as I had just moved to Indy a couple months before, gave Darren the opportunity to show me around. And that how we began this amazing journey, we have grown, moved, been to a lot of races, still learning to live together, proposed to in a not so wonderful hotel room in Canada, engaged/planned a wedding/remodeled our home at the same time and survived the stress of it all. It's still just the begining of it all. But I still like to hear Darren's version of how we met and he thought that I gave him a bad phone number. It is after all his ideal story to tell when people ask how we met, it's been a fairy tale all our own.

N, o, p, q, r

N- nausea induced illness scares me, as vomiting grosses me out O- operation sneaky wife makes me giddy P- paranoia can sometimes get me going Q- quiet home is not always fun R- road rage can happen at times

I, j, k, l, m

I- indecisive, so I make choices based on 3 options J- joker, I try K- Keeper of secrets L- laughing at myself makes me feel human M- motherly

A break in the alphabet

To recognize the death that has come to me, not a physical death but an emotional and written death. Today, after much procrastination and thinking that if I let it be it would disappear and never be talked about again. But it did not disappear, vanish into thin air after so many months of not speaking of it instead it made me ruin my weekend thinking about it and made me sweat profusely today. I changed my name, I did not want to, ever, I wanted to keep on being me. And I know that I personally will not change but my identity has, the emotional tie I had to my given last name has been damaged. It's who I became, I finally learned to love myself and accepted who I became long after everyone else did. I was able to grasp how powerful as a woman I could become and the great strengths that no one else could show or give me. I now have two middle names, does that make me better than before? Or simply just me with an additional last name? Going through the motions and it's going I take quite a few glasses of wine. I loved me, the me that finally blossomed and changed, accepted, believed, took chances, the person that Darren fell in love with. I know more changed are yet to come and like this one, time, friends, laughter, and a glass of red will surely make it clear that it's the way it was supposed to be all along.

E, f, g, h

E- exquisite taste, atleast I believe so F- family, of upmost importance G- glamorous is always a thought to evoke when dressing and shopping H- happy, hopeful, honest

A,b,c,d

Sorry for my slacking, I did have great intentions on my April photo challenge and then I let life carry me away. To other causes, gym nights and sleep. I always I need my sleep and weekend naps make everything better. So something new, I thought of this as a way for expression and hey maybe I saw it somewhere and now it's coming to light. A- anxious for what's to come in life. B- believe that there is more, each day a new chance to start over. C- constantly thinking, wondering, hoping and praying. D- dessert should never be passed up.

April

http://www.fatmumslim.com.au/2012/03/april-photo-day-list-join-in.html?m=1

I found this awhile back on Pinterest and thought, I am going to do this!  Needless to say I knew that the first week would be a little tricky as we would be away on vacation but then again its just committing to make the time to look for the different items through out the day.

Day 1 Your Reflection

Day 2 Colour

I kinda cheated on this one, I had it in my photo library. But still a fave for me.

Day 3 Mail

This one I also took at home as we had no mail at the hotel. Mail takes over our kitchen table.

Day 4 Someone who Makes you Happy

That would be Darren for me, this was while on vacation. Fun!

Day 5 Tiny

Darren was collecting shells while at the beach and I was finally able to photograph them today.

Day 6 Lunch

It does not take me long to down my lunch, It was a scrambled egg with tortilla sandwich, a few churritos (mexican fried chip like with chili powder), string cheese and a beverage.

Needless to say I hope to have some more interesting photo moments the rest of this month. 

Soon I will post some vacay photos.

20 random things

So I found a Pinterest pin and this lady was writing several blogs about very many random items to write out. I lost the pin, the website is lost in the history of my IPhone but here is the first and maybe I will make my own list of 30 blog items.  More to come!

1. I read magazines from the back to the front cover.
2. I brush my teeth and walk around doing minor stuff, put away laundry, get lunch ready-whatever needs done.
3. I despise public restrooms, avoid at all costs.
4. There are times I am very OCD and now as a married woman I hold my tongue as there are 2 adults in the house- he sees the mess he makes.
5. I am beyond in love and so glad that I gave in and have been led into a healthy marriage.
6. I do not wear t-shirts or tennis shoes in public. I better be going or coming from a workout.
7. I despise running but I do it anyway. Plus the after affect and time to not think is helpful.
8. I can memorize lyrics like no other. Just drive with me and you will see, for some reason I pick it up very easily.
9. I prefer to buy my books, I have not had a library card since high school.  This will have to change soon as I will have more time to read and do not always want to spend the money on books.
10. I am a calendar person, it's in my phone or on our paper calendar or we are not there.
11. I like to take charge- I get my families holidays and other things organized. This year I am trying to step back.  Although this may be my calling in life, to be in charge.  Something about having control and knowing that it is up to me to get it all figured out is empowering.
12. I self diagnose, of course its either nothing or worse than I think.  It's allergies but ends up being a cold, feels like its going to work its way out of my body and its there much longer.
13. I try to eat very healthy and make time to exercise but it's a rare moment that I will pass up on dessert.
14. The slightest things can make me cry. Mostly hearing songs on the radio that speak to me or about an ill child gets the tears flowing. I am blaming this on marriage and the anticipation of having a family.
15. I am bilingual when I pray and bring up words randomly when I speak to Darren and my family.  Our child WILL be bilingual even if Darren cannot understand- this is a great gift to have.
16. I am NOT pregnant but I think a lot about having a child, Darren and I say how awesome they will be.  21 year old me is going to find out what we may have missed out on.
17. Making decisions based on 3 options is what I prefer. Darren has even caught on to this, restaurant decisions and activities are slightly easier this way.
18. I do not like to skip meals and prefer to snack throughout the day.  Do not let my physical image fool you.
19.  I have the need to be early to appointments, gatherings, etc.  This desire probably stems from many different past events.
20. My love language to others is giving while I perceive time with others as my receiving love language.

Homebody

I am now coming home from a work trip, one I did not want to go on and had been dreading its arrival since I knew I would be going.  I did not want to  be away from home and away from Darren.  Our calendar has been filling up and free weekends at home together are scarce.  I kept thinking about how we are still in our first year of marriage and I was losing out on time together. I knew that the weekend would be claimed by housework and making meals but it was also some us time and even a few naps.  Then I just realized that I might be a homebody.  I prefer to be at home, our home, to sleep in the bed we share, have everything I need at my disposal and to coexist even with our separate activities.  I like being in a home that is being transformed for us, that makes me feel beyond comfortable.  

I went back to the bend recently and was asked by family if we would be staying in town for the night, only replying that this would be a day trip for us.  I have fought so hard refusing to make Indy my home and this construction mess a place to live in.  But the time came and I realized that I have a home it has become my home, as much as I have found refuge in my parents home it is no longer mine.  It can no longer protect me from growing up.  It is a place to visit, but for me, it currently is not a place for me/us to stay.  It does not hold the comfort it used to, while the great memories are still with me it is not my home.  
I prefer our bed, my pillow, our bathroom, my towels.  I rather be at home than out on the town, I find serenity in keeping up the house.  And mostly I enjoy being with Darren, I rather travel with him and share a bed with him.  There is comfort and warmth when we share a bed, it reminds me how grateful I am for the blessings that we have been given, the love and hope.  I would still like our house to be anywhere else that is 80plus degrees on a daily basis but this will more than do until then-my home is with Darren. As is our vows, "let my arms be your shelter, and my heart your home"- and it is.

Husband

Have I told you how much I LOVE my husband. He can get frustrated, be messy, unorganized, and really busy at times. He can be funny at times, he has a great laughing cackle, a beautiful smile, we can be goofs together, hard worker, great provider, he does his best to take care of us even when both feel ill, he has a big heart and is a strong person all together. He is a wonderful man.
I always call Darren by his name and not "husband," it's just one of those things even when I talk to people I just assume they know he is my counter part. Darren likes to call me his wife, he likes to say it aloud even if it's just the two of us. And recently it feels good. I am beginning to make this a part of my identity. But mostly I am so very proud, happy, blessed that this is who I am and that I have Darren. Life as husband and wife is not at all bad- its busy, grand, exciting, full of greatness, blessings and love. The bigger picture of what I can see in this relationship/marriage is so beautiful. This is what God intended and I am so happy for us, our story and what's to come.

21

If my 21 year old self could see me now. I was thinking about this on my way home the other night and it made me laugh and smile. It made me laugh because I had this plan on how I was going to live after heartbreak, dating again and my ideas on it, my life plan and knowing I was about to take one of the greatest adventures on by going to school 12 hours away from home. I had embraced this headstrong personality that made me feel like I had the best life plan for myself. I was aboard my own train to greatness based on my outlook on life and what I planned to become.
If my 21 year old self could see me now, she would be slightly disgusted but relieved that I regained the ability to love another so deeply and unconditionally and allow him to love me back. She would grimace at the idea of planning a wedding, but so glad that we did not take it overboard. She would laugh at us looking at the price of items before purchasing, using coupons even if it got to the lowest price. She would worry for me even more than my present self does about starting a family. But also about the same things like being healthy, watchful, making time for myself and my family, not missing out on the greatness of life and living, losing sleep and all the what ifs that might occur that comes with the challenge.
My 21 year old self would be beyond proud that I have taken control of my health by being careful of what I put into my body while still enjoying my favorite treats. That even when I thought I hated running, as a grown woman I have found the outlet for my stress and anxiety. I would thank myself for being much more conscious of taking care of myself and giving it all I can to have a healthier body and finding my outer strength.
My 21 year old self would be glad that I resist the possibility to settle, that even though my dream career has not occurred I would see that it's okay to not know what I want to be when a grow up and even more that I am still holding myself to a higher standard and refuse to stop learning, growing and being challenged.
She would be so pleased that I did not lose my faith, that I am finding my way back to God and finding time to talk to him about it all.
She may not understand it all but she would be glad that I managed to forget how old I am, keep my morals, beliefs, values and maintain great realationships- she would be ecstatic that even though this is not my 21 year old plan or my 24 year old plan, this life is beyond wonderful, blessed, and in just about every way so much more better.

Time

A couple days ago I decided it was time. Time to let go of my wild side that I lived in regards to being just a youthful woman with no worries and no true adult responsibilities. I removed my belly button ring, stepping out of the shower and coming to terms with my body changing since I have been slowly putting on some weight, I decided it was just time to let it go. I can remember the moments that led up to the decision that I was going to plunge and give in to doing this. I was life guarding, a fellow coworker and I had been talking about it and finally we decided that after all the talk we would go and have it done after work that night. I had been in a tattoo shop before but never say on one of the tables, remember my friend went first and they tried to get her to scare me. She did not. In less than a half hour we were newly pierced and flashing it in our lifeguard suits the next day. Don't worry we watched them like hawks to make sure it was all in sterile pouches. Even my wild side is always careful.
In that time I felt empowered, making a grown up decision and following through with something that I wanted. As time has passed by I have kinda forgotten about it, I cleaned it from time to time, a summer later I worked the pools again and since then on rare occasions. Time has allowed me to grow and evolve. What a great ride.

Saturday January 28, 2012

I keep thinking how blessed I am, we are. Waiting around today for my parents and younger siblings to arrive. I am looking around our home, the saw dust, pantry items in the living room, papers semi organized on our kitchen table, tools everywhere. But still a blessing. All the things I never thought I wanted I have and I am so grateful. I am grateful for a wonderful growing marriage, a beautiful home that Darren has torn inside out to make ours, the mess- because it means we are living our lives and doing something for ourselves and our future. It's been a long time since I have noticed any change in myself and my outlook on life but this difference that I feel on the inside and hope I project in my words and actions feels amazing. I cannot wait to see and experience what lies in front of us and how a year from now, how much more changed and great life will continue to become. I hope my patience continues to grow, my gratitude expressed, and ready for the adventure in front of us. I am ready to take on the challenges and make some of the best memories and learning experiences.
No need to wait for a special occasion, I don't want to miss out on today. Life is too short, use your good dishes every night.

184 days

Or six months, either way you look at it we have made it half way through our first year of marriage. Life has changed slightly, our emotions and thoughts have evolved to think of the other in all aspects of life. We talk about all sorts of things, are learning how to laugh at ourselves loudly, finding out other ways to meet each others needs and I am working on giving in his love language.
This is the most fun. We have vacationed, celebrated, I have cried and come back with renewed strength and a greater outlook on ways to work on making this relationship better. Even in the midst of some misunderstandings, some struggle, and fear.
I always believed that I would be in a monogomous relationship, that I would share my life with one man, my dreams, hopes and adventures but never did I see this. This love, it's been more than just giving in to marriage. It has been giving of myself and each other to be there and walk through the journey that God has for us.
I am most excited to see how many more changes are to come in the next 6 months. To see our lives evolve and for the unexpected that will ground us further in our lives.

Thinking

I have been thinking about a lot of things, shocker, I know. I think I have an addiction, to pinterest. Thanks Amy! I have been finding new recipes, and so much more. Like collecting thoughts on a babies room, a baby that does not exist, finding quotes that would help as a child or as a parent, cool gadgets that might make things easier, and some seriously stylish duds for a little one. It's exciting and scary looking through baby items. 
Another scary thing, winter has not truly arrived. No big snow and the temperature has been mostly reasonable. I am not a cold weather person, I rather live in the season of summer all year long. I am not ready for what might come. But I am ready for spring break with Darren.
I am still working on updating my wardrobe. After successfully removing clothing from my closet that I have not worn or does not fit appropriately. Although my clothes bin/workout and t-shirts and dresser still need to be evaluated for further removal of items I can live without so that I can continue to purchase everyday, chic, fitted pieces that display me and my wiser self. I am realizing that I love my barely boot cut jeans from Express, they fit great, durable and versatile. I am still working on becoming more of a fan of my trouser jeans- work in progress as I am figuring out how I like them with with my shoe collection. My shoes have to be cleaned out too, I did throw away a pair of my favorite flats from Banana Republic, it was sad but necessary. I need shoes with arch support, but still stylish.
More to come on whats in store.

Some reflection

Right now I feel...
Elated in how much a couple days since beginning the new year had helped me refocus on the important parts of life and living it justly.

What I am grateful for in 2011:
* Family: being a daughter, sister, aunt, wife and the expansion of my family with my in-laws(a huge blessing)
* Taking the steps in marriage, I would do it all over again! And maybe Darren will jump to answer before the pastor finishes his sentence-great Ice breaker
* The ability to maintain friendships even with distance, made new friendships and working on moving forward from others
* Being able to travel, Florida, Canada, cruise- it was all so great.
* Making ladies night each month- catching up and being in great company
* Having a job
* Seeing our home transform and the ability to upgrade to our liking


What I learned in 2011?
* That I can plan anything
* I have a higher stress level than I knew but learned the importance of leaving it at home and talking things out at home
* I am growing still and this is a great thing
* Over thinking gets me nowhere
* I have such a great support team in family and friends
* Getting my way no longer exists(unless I am with my dad), relationships are about 2people and compromise

In 2012 I choose to feel:
Joyful, glad, and positive even in the midst of stress and personal struggle.

What am I joyfully anticipating in 2012?
* the finishing touches on our home and some re-organization
* new adventures
* slumber parties
* planning for the future
* seeing my family and friends more and often
* an outstanding, challenging, rewarding career
* weekend getaways
* hosting get togethers at our home
* becoming a better couponer
* and Darren to finally agree to let me wax his chest, long shot but still fun and funny

I found this reflect on 2011 create 2012 format through pinterest link

2012

I am unsure what this year will bring. I am uncertain what emotional rollercoaster I will be riding. I hope to take control of who I am, that I will be a better me, I will continue to work towards my goal of a career, making my friendships a priority while spending more time with my family. I want to lead a less stress life.
Today I began cleaning out my closet, removing items that do not fit or I have not worn in a long time in order to upgrade my wardrobe. I want to remove the unnecessary and be more organized.
I want to celebrate life, myself my family and friends. Last night was yet another reason why I miss being around people. Life is supposed to be great and enjoyed with others.
I anticipate that my hard work will show up in the happiness I feel.